BLUR PAIR NO LONGER NME’S

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WELL they won diddly squat but Britpop legends Blur were the big talking point at the NME Brat awards after Damon Albarn and Graham Coxon performed together for the first time in nine years.music_oasis1996ap460
The band are preparing for their summer reunion show in London’s Hyde Park after the squabbling school boy chums put the feud behind them to play This Is A Low from Parklife.
For some reason, presumably not related to their music, Oasis picked up Best British Band for a fourth time while the other major winners on the night were, well, no-one.
Muse and MGMT were the only other bands to pick up more than one award, that’s discounting the Jonas Brothers who were worthy winners of the Worst Album and Worst Band gongs.

NME BRAT AWARD WINNERS

Best British Band – Oasis
Best International Band – The Killers
Best Solo Act – Pete Doherty
Best New Band – MGMT
Best Live Band – Muse
Best Album – Kings Of Leon, Only By The Night
Best Track – MGMT, Time To Pretend
Best Video – The Last Shadow Puppets, My Mistakes Were Made For You
Best Floor Filler – Dizzee Rascal, Dance Wiv Me
Best DVD – Arctic Monkeys, At The Apollo
Best Band Blog – Oasis
Best Album Artwork – Muse, HAARP
Best Dressed – Alexa Chung
Worst Dressed – Amy Winehouse
Worst Album – Jonas Brothers, A Little Bit Longer
Worst Band – Jonas Brothers
Sexiest Male – Matt Bellamy
Sexiest Female – Hayley Williams

BONO SURE CHRIS IS A COCK

IN TERMS of pop hypocrisy we always thought closet-clinging Gary Barlow singing ‘Findin’, breathin’, bracin’, breedin’, With you girl!’ on Sure took some beating.music_markrobins
But in the most prime example of pot, kettle, black in rock history, Bono called Chris Martin (right) “a wanker” while being interviewed live on Radio One.
He apologised soon after – but only because he swore.
“He’s a wanker,” said the Irish twat to shocked munter Jo Whiley.
“Obviously he is a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin but he happens to be a genius melodist.”
Which is also a perfect description of Bono himself. Apart from the genius melodist bit of course.

HE already looks like a fucking skeleton, so it’s perhaps not surprising that Michael Jackson is planning to release hundreds of unheard of tracks when he’s dead.
music_michael_jackson_good_stuffAccording to Ian Halperin, author of the unfortunately-titled biography ‘Unmasked: The Michael Jackson Story’, the alleged kiddy-fiddling mentalist has an arsenal of hit music in his back pocket which he plans to leave to his kids as inheritance.
“I was astonished by the number of songs which have been held back,” he said. “I was told that he will not let them come out now but wants to leave them for his kids, a very personal legacy to them.”
We’re sure that’s not the only legacy he’ll leave them with.

• WE’VE advised readers of this magazine to have a go at shagging that bird in the Ting Tings a few times now.
Well you might want to leave it a week because apparently she’s got the painters in.
“We just wanna paint on walls and throw paint around!” said her musical other half Jules De Martino, shortly before a chaotic gig in Manchester which saw fans, the band and the venue covered in several shades of Dulux’s finest.

• AS IF lounging around in tracksuits all day wasn’t cushy enough, now Scousers have the option of going to Uni – to study the Beatles.
A Masters Degree on the fab four is being offered at Liverpool Hope University.
Course leader Mike Brocken said: “There have been over 8,000 books about The Beatles, but there has never been serious academic study.”
There’s a reason for that Mike. It’s a waste of fucking time. Just like Scousers in general.

NOEL’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I SPENT the day in bed yesterday nursing a bad head. For some reason I watched MTV’s European Top Ten. It was painful. Leona Lewis doing Snow Patrol. Ouch! Kings of Leon doing U2. Ouch! The Killers doing fancy dress. Ouch!
“Lady GaGa? I may be showing my age here but who’s Lady GaGa? It made my teeth hurt.”
Noel getting down with the kids.

YOU’RE BARRED, ON YOUR BIKE

MUCH as The View piss us off with their ‘please let us be The Libertines, we’ve got the clothes and everything’ attitude to life, you have to tip your hat to singer Kyle Falconer’s ever-more extreme methods to be accepted by the leather-clad Gods of rockdom.
Despite being blessed with the face of a fat five-year-old and a black poodle where his hair should be, fuckwit Falconer has constantly made headlines for a band who should really have been forgotten by now.
This week’s crazy stunt? Being banned from a pub for driving a motorbike along the bar.
“It wasn’t a scooter, it was a motorbike,” said Kyle, before contradictoraliy adding, “we were obsessed with scooters for a while and I got fucked up so I drove it along the bar.”
Drummer Steven Morrison was arrested after partying with Pete Doherty.music_sexy-nun
He said: “Pete said ‘Do you want to go and see Dirty Pretty Things to piss Carl Barat off?’ So he went out and bought a Jaguar! We were flying round the streets and couldn’t find the place. We were literally about 100 yards from the venue and we got surrounded by these blue flashing lights and arrested.
“We spent 12 hours in the police station.”
Sounds like a close shave. Imagine actually having to see Dirty Pretty Things live. Give us the cell any day.

IN A world where Russell Brand can roam free, we always knew it was only a matter of time before the last virgin finally disappeared.
Even swordsman Brand would have trouble injecting/splurting some life into the current economic slump though with Virgin Megastore the latest company to be hit.
Already in decline due to the rise of iTunes, the remaining six Virgin stores in the USA are all set to close in June.
We’re not sure what the fuss is about anyway, dirty slappers are much mo
re fun.

IRONICALLY, four of the people responsible for the internet implosion that caused the destruction of Virgin Megastore also look like heading to the wall.
If they’re lucky, it won’t be the wall of a shower that they’ve been forced against by Mr Big though, after the four men behind (illegal) download site Pirate Bay were threatened with a year in jail by prosecutor Hakan Roswall for copywrite infringement.
“I was actually surprised that he’s only asking for one year, I’d expected two,” said Bay founder Svartholm Warg.
“The old bastard’s crazy.”