DO ME BABY ONE AT A TIME

BRITNEY Spears is hoping to follow in the footsteps of breast-model Jordan after revealing she wants to fuck everyone in the world.
Peter Andre’s other half is one of only two people to accomplish the feat so far

 with British Balls having accidentally knobbed her back in 1998 when we drove our Ford Fiat into what we thought was the Channel Tunnel.
The only other person to successfully fuck the world is George Bush.
Now fit Brit is calling on men and women all over Earth to form an orderly queue between her legs – at least that’s the hidden message of her next single which has caused some controversy in America.
The song ‘If You Seek Amy’ sounds harmless enough on paper even if the lyrics are a bit nonsensical. For example: “All the boys and the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy.”
But slow down the pronunciation and you get a very different FCUK-style message.

 

Famous songs with double meanings

RELAX (Frankie Goes to Hollywood): It could be about having a cup of tea before you go out? It could be about banging one out into your sock? It could be about two blokes having bum fun? Who cares? – except for the BBC.
HOTEL CALIFORNIA (The Eagles): When it comes to topping the charts, the tried and tested method of selling your soul to the Devil is still the way forward as this secret ode to satanism proved.
EBENEEZER GOODE (The Shamen): The long-forgotten indie ravers were destined for chart obscurity until this song caused a storm of controversy for it’s not-so-well hidden pro-Ecstasy chorus.
CES’T LA VIE (B*Witched):
“I’ve got a house with windows and doors, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours… Got to let me in, I’ll huff, I’ll puff, I’ll blow you away… I wanna know just what to do, is it very big, is there room for two.” Dirty, dirty Irish girls.
HUMAN (The Killers): “Are we human, or are we dancer…” croons Killers frontman Brandon Flowers. We can only assume there’s a hidden meaning in there somewhere because it makes fuck all sense otherwise.

• MOON-FACED crooner Tom Chaplin says Keane are only good because he went to rehab – although he’ll need to clarify exactly when they actually stopped being shit to make his point because we can’t tell.
The singer – who checked himself into The Priory facility for alcohol and cocaine addiction in 2006 – has claimed the group’s third album ‘Perfect Symmetry’ might never have happened.
The 29-year-old frontman said: “I didn’t feel very connected with the others in the band. In fact, I didn’t want to do it.
“When I was in The Priory the most important thing was that it was the first time in probably four years where we had to stop, and there was no music, nothing going on.
“It gave me time to think about the band, and my life, and all the things that had happened to us.”
Four years listening to Keane? No wonder he turned to heroin.

NOEL’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“LOOKS LIKE THE SHEIKS ARE STARTING TO PUT THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTHS ARE.
BRING IT ON, I SAY. FUCK MORALS. FUCK ARSENE WENGER AND HIS SOCIALIST FOOTBALL NONSENSE.
FUCK ALL THAT BOLLOCKS ABOUT THE CLUB LOSING ITS IDENTITY. WHAT IDENTITY? THE FACT IS THAT WE’VE BEEN SKINT FOR 30 YEARS?”
MR GALLAGHER GIVES THE THUMBS UP TO HIS BELOVED MANCHESTER CITY’S NEW OWNERS.

 

KATY’S CANNES COCK UP

IS IT just us or is faux-pop lesbian Katy Perry’s star on the wane?
Since lesbian-loving single ‘I Kissed a Girl’ reached number one in the UK, America and the Les Charts (that’s French for charts) she’s not really done much else except ponce around in cleavage revealing skimpy outfits.
Usually we’d be fine with that, but now we’ve got new girl on the block Lady Gaga being even dirtier in her videos, we’re starting to lose interest.
Not only that, but her long-term relationship went down the pan over Christmas and this week, in true Derek Zoolander style, she picked up one of the big prizes at France’s main music award ceremony – only to find out it wasn’t meant for her.
The star claimed the gong for Best International Song at the NRJ Awards in Cannes but the real winner was Rihanna for ‘Disturbia’.
Come on Katy, it’s all getting a bit embarassing – but British Balls has a way of getting you back on the front pages as well as settling this little misunderstanding between you and Rihanna. Three words. Lesbian mud wrestling.

• “SHE told me that she went to Quentin Tarantino’s birthday and played it for him and he loved it.
“That’s when you sit at home in Leicester tucking into your beans on toast going, ‘Fucking hell man, what’s going on?'”
Sergio Pizzorno from Kasabian talks about recording new song ‘West Rider/ Silver Bullet’ with actress Rosario Dawson or, as Serge charmingly refers to her, “the prostitute from Sin City.” Smooth.