EAVIS GETS OFF ON GRASS

BESTIALITY? Necrophilia? Midgets? A Basil Brush glove puppet? It seems British Balls staff have done some pretty dodgy things when it comes to getting our sexual rocks off – but dating a field is a new one on us.
Glastonbury Festival organiser Michael ‘ooh arr’ Eavis says the event has been like a new ladyfriend following the death of his wife.
Odd to me and you maybe but remember he’s a farmer from the West Country so it’s probably par for the course down there.
“We’d agreed we were going to retire. And unfortunately Jean never made it,” said Eavis while chewing on a hay blade and drinking some Black Rat cider.

“So I was more determined to carry it on because I didn’t have a girlfriend or anything.
“And of course all the kids were very keen on it. So it was like my new lady friend in a way, the festival.”
Eavis (above) also revealed that the festival’s future was more secure than ever.
“The local economy gets £100m a year so there’s no discussion about not allowing the festival a licence any more,” he added.
The fact that his new girlfriend has had several thousand people on top of her, often at the same time, doesn’t seem to bother Mike.
And if it does start to affect the relationship, at least he can turn to Peter Andre for advice.

FRAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE CRAP

FINALLY The Fratellis have confirmed what we and many, many others have been saying for years – they’re shit.
The band responsible for ‘Chelsea Dagger’ – the musical equivalent of bashing your head against Chumbawumba – say they’ve run out of ideas, which bizarrely means they think they’ve had some in the past.
Frontman Jon Fratelli (right) said: “I dislike a lot of music nowadays. I think we’re all second rate – and I include us when I say that.
“We’ve run out of ideas. We’re all just getting by. There are only 12 notes in music after all – there is only so much you can do with that.”
Not content with providing pissed up yobs everywhere with a soundtrack to a night out, Jon says he wants to emulate heroes The Beatles.
For a band best known for the lyrics “duuuh du du, duuuh du du, du da du da du da duh” we get the feeling he maybe aiming a teensy bit high.
“Music is my life. I’m obsessed with the Beatles. I listen to them incessantly and they still astound me,” he added.
“I’ve never found anything in life that comes close to them.
“But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.”
Yes it does Jon. It really, really does.

• FOR once, a story about fighting brothers in a rock band threatening to cancel a world tour that doesn’t quote an insider saying “they were both mad for it”.
Redneck rockers Kings of Leon (right) are reportedly ready to quit their ‘Only by the Night‘ tour after a bust up over boozed-up frontman Caleb Followill’s drinking.
Caleb, so inbred he’s his own father, came to blows with his uncle-brothers Nathan and Jared, and sister-niece Matthew, following the latest binge.
A source said: “The others have warned Caleb over and over again that they weren’t happy about his drinking but he carried on regardless.
“The lads have always fought but they usually sort it out the next morning. Things are completely different this time.
“The label is deeply concerned that if they don’t sort out their differences the tour won’t go ahead.”
Caleb admitted he gets so wasted he turns into his drunken alter-ego ‘The Rooster’.
He said: “I hate it man, whenever the word ‘Rooster’ is involved, you can wake me up and I think life is great and have zero memory of what happened.”
Thinking you’re a rooster when you’re drunk is one thing but this doesn’t explain why he’s a cock when he’s sober as well.