BBM’s Euro 2012 Pub Games

So the 2012 European Championship is upon us, and we can all look forward to the beautiful game at its best: player histrionics, crap refereeing decisions, and commentators jizzing their pants every time the Spanish team do anything with the ball.

When you factor in as well that the tournament means very little and is really just a massive shop window for average players to secure a move to a bigger club it’s pretty easy to come to the conclusion that, yep, modern football is pretty shit. That’s why we at BBM have taken it upon ourselves to spice up the tournament by taking your focus off the football and created a few nice distractions to keep you entertained while Nani, Ronaldo et al mince around the field before dropping to the ground at the slightest hint of a breeze.

Watching the games in Australia, you’ll probably miss the treat of David Pleat’s commentary as he manages to mangle every foreign player’s name despite his co-commentator pronouncing it perfectly; however, you can bet that whoever you’re listening to will spew out the same nonsense sound bites that Pleat, and every other commentator in the history of time, are famous for. We don’t want to be cruel, we know it must be a hard job, but c’mon guys be a bit more imaginative. We’ve provided some Commentator Bullshit Bingo! cards for you and your mates; so dole them out and check off the cliché when you hear it. The first to get a full house wins fuck all from us, but we recommend they get the drinks bought for them by the losers during the final.

Another little game for you is our list of rules which MUST be obeyed throughout the games. For example, as Roy Hodgson looks like an owl, you have to hoot like an owl whenever he appears on screen; Franck Ribery looks like a bond villain, so mime stroking a cat and say “Good evening Mr Bond”; and when John Terry appears say…. er, maybe we should leave that one.

Lastly is our list of special ‘Player Cocktails’ – for the sophisticated piss-head.

You can find our lists of rules, regulations, and cocktails below and remember to enjoy yourselves, because it doesn’t matter who win or loses, it’s the taking part that counts…

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The In No Way Encouraging Binge Drinking Rules:

*Roy Hodgson appears on screen – hoot like an owl

*Franck Ribery appears on screen – mime stroking a cat and say “Good evening Mr Bond”

*Every time you hear Baddiel & Skinner’s ‘Three Lions’ sung – shout “Statto! Statto! Statto!”

*Every time Spain lose the ball – shout “Ole!” and hold a matador’s pose until they get the ball back

*Someone dives – give them a mark out of 10, taking into consideration style and execution

*A goal is scored – shout “Goooooool” like a South American commentator for as long as you can. First to run out of breath is penalised

*Red card – hop on one leg until they leave the field

*Penalty – state if they’ll score or not. Must be penalised if wrong

*Wayne Rooney appears on screen – shout “Who’s the scouser in the wig?”

*If you see anyone watching the football wearing a fuzzy jester hat – hit them really hard. Really fucking hard! (This is our favourite but don’t do it)

Commentator Bullshit Bingo!

End to End Stuff
Game of two Halves
Good feet for a big man
There are no easy games in international football
On paper…
At the end of the day
The Germans always get to the final
Three lions
Any use of ‘literally’ when they mean ‘figuratively’
He’ll fancy his chances at this range
A match of this magnitude
This game needs a goal
Bad time to concede a goal
A real wake up call
Bringing on fresh legs
Given the manager a selection headache
It’s a dream start for…
Looking for a consolation goal
They’re like the Keystone Cops out there
He’s always got that in his locker
Six of one half a dozen of the other
He needs to take a gamble there
He should be hitting the target from there
They’ve set out their stall
Sticking to the game plan
He’ll be disappointed with himself there
Giving 110%

Player Coctails:

The ‘Andy Carrol’ (Long Island Ice Tea – gin, tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, coke)
Tall, strong, and over-priced.

The ‘Pepe’ (Jack O’ Lantern – whiskey, absinthe, orange bitters, sugar)
Will aggressively go right through you.

The ‘Xavi’ (Martini – gin, vermouth)
Short and sophisticated.

The ‘Dirk Kuyt’ (Headless Barman – sour raspberry pucker, vodka, lemon, red bull, mountain dew, pineapple juice)
Sugar and caffeine will give you the same amount of boundless energy associated with the facially challenged Dutchman.

The ‘Ronaldo’ (Appletini – vodka, apple juice, cointreau)
Goes down easily.

The ‘Bastian Schweinsteiger’ (Angry German – amaretto, blackberry schnapps, jagermeister, lime)
A very German drink for a very German name.

The ‘Samir Nasri’ (Screwdriver – vodka, orange)
You think it might be dangerous but it offers very little.

The ‘Damien Duff’ (Guinness Shandy – Guinness, lemonade)
Irish but a bit lightweight.