BBM’s Olympic Games 2012

It’s very easy to be cynical (and we will be) about the Olympics. There’s always so much talk about how much the games mean to the world, its billions of people, and thousands of corporate sponsors; but it can’t be denied that moments from previous games have provided a snapshot of the time and captured events overflowing with historical significance; such as Jesse Owens winning four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin games, the protest of Tommie Smith and John Carlos in Mexico City 1968, and more recently Usain Bolt’s breathtaking performances in the 100m and 200m in Beijing ’08.

Yes the Olympics has been host to some incredible incidents; and now attention turns to Britain, as the Olympics makes it way back to London for the first time since 1948, with the hope that the 2012 games will feature its own occasions to go down in history (for the right reasons).

At the moment, the streets of the England’s capital are brimming with excitement, pride, indifference, annoyance, and MDMA. So, pretty much the same as usual. However, as the games draw near, those with hope and patriotic zeal coming out of their ears are getting louder and prouder that the biggest event on Earth is coming to their home and not France. Most of these people won’t have bothered to take down the miles of bunting they’d put up for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee; and like with the Queen’s Jubilee, to these people, if you don’t get behind the games it means you should be strung up and have your name go down in history as a traitor to our land. It doesn’t matter to these people that getting to work will be turned into an even bigger nightmare and fighting for space on the tube will get even worse as you’re forced to inhale the sweaty scents of armpits from all corners of the globe. The Olympics will be a success! They will be!

Of course, being organised by the Brits, nothing is going to go smoothly, and there’s already been some controversy. People have been gripped by the saga of Aaron Cook and GB Taekwondo team’s decision not to select him, despite his number one ranking in the world. Cook has claimed that the decision is all down to politics because he opted to leave their performance programme. GB Taekwondo director Gary Shaw claimed that it was too risky to select Cook; and on the face of things that comment could stake a claim for top position in the WTF rankings with the British official who said Jessica Ennis was fat.

The most surprising thing about the incident is that people actually care about taekwondo; but, after all, he was a British hope – and every time there’s one of those we Brits lose our shit over the possibility of actually winning something.

But all hope for gold is not lost because what’s-his-face won’t be competing. Alongside those you’d expect to be placing on the podium – such as Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps – you’ll probably find some British athletes. Chris Hoy, Jessica Ennis and Phillips Idowu are all heavily fancied to fly the flag for the host nation and quell the embarrassment raised by the GB football team. It’s conceivable that one of those plucky Brits can provide the memorable moment that the London 2012 organisers are praying for; but while we wait for that we’ll be treated to usual Olympic nonsense that constitutes the majority of the every Olympics. We’re talking about commentators banging on about the Olympic spirit, athletes encouraging the crowd to clap along as they make their approach for yet another failed attempt at the long jump, and shot putters competing with Maria Sharapova levels of screaming.

That’s why we’ve compiled a list for you to keep close by as you’re watching the games, of clichés that are part and parcel of the Olympics. Tick them off, give high fives all round, slam your head against a wall, or follow our suggestions – these are but some of the many options available to you. The choice is yours. Just keep your eyes peeled and your ears open for all the Olympic level bullshit that’ll be flying around.

From the Athletes
Someone tripping or being tripped up – Hit the floor
Someone crying – You MUST boo
Mentions of competing at the Olympics being a dream since childhood – Groan or throw up with disgust
Attempts to get the crowd to clap along before an event – Chant “Twat!” in time with the claps
Athletes frolicking with the London 2012 mascots (it’s good for marketing and sponsorship) – Get/give a piggy back ride
GB football team desperately trying to convince everyone football in the Olympics matters – *cough* Bullshit *cough*
Grunting and screaming from discus, javelin, and shot put competitors – Grunt along
Gymnasts stuffing their landings – Act out a perfect landing
Chris Hoy winning gold (he’s the new Steve Redgrave) – On a chair, air cycle throughout the race
Paula Radcliffe bottling it (and/or pissing herself) – Hold your nose and waft the air
Someone might break a record or two – A Kris Akabusi shout of “Alriiiiight!” (with arm gesture)
Michael Phelps continuing to accumulate more gold than Mr T. – Mimic his swim stroke throughout the race
A lot of red flags in the long and triple jumps – Jump as far as you can
Knocking the pole off during failed high jumps and pole vaults – Limbo!
Crap hurdlers knocking over hurdles – Leapfrog an object or person
Usain Bolt’s tired horseshit (posing, showing off, pretending he eats chicken nuggets) – Switch the TV off

From the TV Coverage
A boring as fuck opening ceremony – Just make firework noises
Any talk of a British athlete – Shout “COME ON TIM!”
Mentions of how great it is that the games are in London and it’s a once in a lifetime blah blah blah – Make the jabbering hand gesture
Michael Johnson – Do a lap running like Michael Johnson
Mentions of it being every athlete’s dream to appear at the Olympics – Reveal your dream (the more embarrassing the better)
Mentions of the sacrifices athletes make – Do 10 push ups
When a Swedish athlete is competing the TV will cut to fit girls in the crowd – Awed silence
Michael Johnson – Erm, do a lap running like Michael Johnson
Commentators pretending the London 2012 mascots aren’t shit – Off the top of your head, come up with a better mascot
Mentions of the Olympic spirit – Shout “Bollocks!”
Lots of talk about who the favourite is – Sing the chorus of ‘You’re the Best Around’ by Joe Esposito
Nonsensical ramblings from Boris Johnson and constant reminders of when he called ping pong “whiff whaff” – Talk gibberish for 10 seconds
Lots of cutting to former athletes in the crowd – Shout “Get off the screen!”
Michael Johnson – Why is there so much Michael Johnson?! There are other ex-athletes around