FIFA 14 Release

Benjamin Franklin once said “there are no guarantees in life except death and taxes”. But FIFA wasn’t around in his day.

Friday 27th September 2013 sees the, now traditional, annual release of the latest version of the football game as the bad week for girlfriends and wives everywhere continues.

Just when they thought it was safe to go back in the living room after the initial obsession with GTA V had died down, the release of FIFA 14 will mean the inevitable loss of the male race to the games console for the foreseeable future.

Days, weeks and entire university degrees have been lost to the numerous versions of the franchise in recent years as people everywhere seek to replicate real life scenarios or simply piss off their mates by beating them over and over again. With the latest installment promising to be bigger and better than ever before we are certainly looking forward to getting our hands on a copy ASAP.

So what exactly is new about FIFA 14. The basis aim of kicking a ball into a goal more times than your opponent still remains the major aim but this year the people at EA sports are promising “radical changes”. These include “Real Ball Physics” (whatever that means), “precision movement”, and “team intelligence” (although this is footballers we are talking about, albeit digital versions of themselves, so hopes of intelligence can never be too high).

And in preparation for the big event we take a look at some of the golden rules of FIFA which have emerged over the years:

1) If you lose by 5 or more goals you must write an apology letter to your opponent on Facebook admitting your inferiority.

2) If you lose by 8 goals you must send a handwritten letter to your opponents parents explaining how their son/daughter is superior to you in every way and they should be immensely proud.

3) You should never, under any circumstances, look at an opponent’s controller during a penalty.

4) If you ever allow an opposition’s goalkeeper to score (penalties not included) you are forever banned from playing again.

5) You should never pause the game in order to answer a phone call or reply to a text. It can wait.