Pommy Rants – Happy Australia

We know that us Brits are a moaning bunch of bastards, and other wise we wouldn’t be referred to as “whinging poms” but basically bugger off, as I’m sorry but life isn’t always frickin’ sunshine and lollypops, you bell -ends.

Ok maybe we too would be much happier if we were over 6 foot with a bronzed Adonis frame and golden sunkissed hair, but we’re not, so quite frankly we’re entitled to be a little less optimistic all the time. Of course this is leading me to this month’s subject matter of the over positivity of Australians. Yes, that’s right, we Brits are impressed by a lack of being able to find the good in every single activity that comes our way.

We wish that some Australians would remember that they too originally come from a land where the people are gloomy, the skies are grey, the people don’t talk to each other, and the general customer service is average to poor. We Brits are famed for our dry manner and if we receive a burger that is over done, no it is not “heaps good” it’s “ok”. Also lest we remind you that the club you went to last night wasn’t “fucking A” it was “alright.” And the new Swedish House Mafia song isn’t “rad” it’s “averagely mediocre”. Yes that’s right if us Brits can find a way to hold an element of slightly unimpressed at all times, everything is right with the world, and quite frankly the over positivity of Australians is something we find exceptionally hard to deal with as downtrodden negativity mixed with cool nonchalantness has been passed down from generation to generation in British culture, and my God we’ll continue to fight for it.

“Over positivity” can come in many forms, from generally pretending to be really friendly to people they don’t care about, to also over hyping anything from food, to music, or holidays. But the most dangerous type of over positive Australian is the “Squawker.” The “Squawker”, when teamed with this “over positivity” presents pitch and volume issues, but this is often experienced more in female Australians than males. Now these are a very difficult type of person to encounter as, trust me, they mean no harm, yet the assault they will impinge on your ear drums will have your ears ringing, and when matched up with over positivity, you may be rendered unable to even understand what the “squawker” is trying to say. But quite frankly we’re sure whatever they’re talking about, is not as good as they’re making it out to be. So when confronted by a squawker remain at least 10 feet away, smile, nod, and wave at a stranger and pretend its someone you know so you can get the hell out of there.

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