CHRISTMAS SINGLE TWICE AS CRAP

burke

MAYBE dad was right.He was always telling us how great music was back when he was a kid and how songs today all sound the same.
We never understood what he was on about at the time, usually because he’d just come back from a particularly lengthy dominoes session at The Pear Tree and was blind drunk.burke
Well considering this year’s Christmas number one is also this year’s Christmas number two, maybe the alcoholic Xenophobe had a point.
X Factor winner Alexandra Burke is number one with her rendition of Hallelujah, beating Jeff Buckley into second with his rendition of, erm, Hallelujah.
To be honest, we’re not really that surprised. Scooter have been releasing the same song over and over again for the last 10 years and they’re bigger than ever.
Even if people get bored they can go away and reform again in a few years when everyone’s forgotten how shit they are.
It worked for Take That.
And let’s face it, unless your name’s Cliff Richard, does anyone actually care who’s number one at Christmas any more?
The real question is, if dad was right about the music, does that also mean pints of mild are drinkable and immigrants are to blame for global warming.

 

• “I DON’T care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want my rock stars dead. I want them to fucking play with one hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go “I hope you enjoy the show!” Bang! Play from your fucking heart!” – Bill Hicks.
British Balls agrees entirely with the late Mr Hicks’ comments but it seems walking rock ‘n’ roll cliche Liam ‘fookin’ mad fer it’ Gallagher (right) is starting to stray from the path of balls-out alco-hewn wild man of Britpop for a journey down the pipe and slippers path. No really. The Oasis frontman says he wants some slippers for Christmas.
“I haven’t got slippers though, I’m sure there’s a pair round the house but I walk round naked. Barefoot. That’s me,” said Gallagher,
“Slippers for Christmas then, if I get one more Beatles book I’ll go insane. Literally, everyone comes round going, ‘You got one of these?’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah, I got one off you last time.”
Next week, Marilyn Manson on carolling with the family and why he’ll be making a traditional Christmas pudding this year.

 

YOUNG LEADS OLD GLASTO GUARD

MAYBE we’re being a bit harsh on The Sun’s showbiz writer for not being exactly on the money when it comes to replaying the events at Glastonbury 2008 but we feel we have to set the record straight.
If you’ll recall, there was a right kerfuffle over a rapper, Jay-Z, being chosen as headliner with Noel Gallagher claiming he was an axe murderer or some such.jrewing
But Hip Hop’s King of Cool blew Somerset away with a performance that had even the most die-hard Britpop knobhead admitting baboon-browed Gallagher was wrong, including the man himself. There was even a cheeky rendition of Wonderwall.
Well in 2009, Blur are the big name on top of the list and this week The Sun has also revealed that Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young (below) will be joining them as headliners as organiser Michael Eavis attempts to “banish the bad memories of this year’s event.”
“The choice of rapper Jay-Z as festival headliner back in June angered thousands,” said The Sun’s Gordon Smart.
“And donating the cherished Friday night headline slot to relative youngsters Kings of Leon raised a few eyebrows.
“So, in order to avoid any more ill-feeling, the dairy farmer is taking a step back in time to wheel out some big guns.”
Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? It was a triumph you idiot. Still he was right about Kings of Leon. They were an up and coming young band at the time and critics questioned whether they were ready for the step up to the big stage. Where are they now eh? Prat.

 

• HANG on a minute, just where the bloody hell do AC/DC come from?
Australians have been sponging off their success for years but then they’ve got a track record of passing off stars born in other countries as their own (Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Neil Finn, Olivia Newton-John etc).acdc
Well with brothers Angus (right) and Malcolm Young both born in Glasgow and former singer Bon Scott hailing from Kirriemuir, Scotland are now making a legitimate claim on their heritage and the band are set to be paid a glowing tribute by the country’s parliament.
“It is clear Scott had a strong sense of his identity, from the ‘Scotland forever’ tattoo he had on his arm to his playing the bagpipes on the AC/DC track ‘It’s a Long Way To the Top’,” said South of Scotland MSP Christine Grahame.
“I think they have long deserved official recognition from their homeland for that major musical contribution and my parliamentary motion will go some way towards recognising that.”
Fair enough, but an in-depth study by our team of researchers (we went on Wikipedia) has revealed that current lead singer Brian Johnson was born in Gateshead and four former members were from England and Wales.
Hardly puts them up there with Rob Roy, William Wallace and Duncan Ferguson does it?