A CLOSE SHAVE

 

 

 

• WE’VE been cruel to a few birds in our time but, frankly, there is no easy way of telling a German backpacker her upper lip needs a closer shave.
And have you ever tried getting to sleep when you’ve just shagged a sweaty fat American in a single bed? Word of advice. Wait until she’s gone to the toilet then lock your door and, Bob’s your uncle, your bed’s your own again.
Granted we probably should have given her clothes back but she needed to lose weight and what better way to do it than by running for your life naked through the streets of Redfern?
Well, amazing as it seems, such behaviour would be frowned upon by Heroes hotty Hayden Panettiere.
The chesty cheerleader was reportedly furious when a set worker used a huge lawn-blower to blast birds out of a nearby tree after they disturbed filming.
Hysterical Hayden shouted: “What are you doing? How would you like someone to blow that thing inside your house?” – which should sound all-too familiar to George Michael.
Hayden reportedly made such a fuss the director eventually moved the scene to a new location.
She is a keen campaigner for animal rights and won the Compassion in Action Award from PETA for her efforts to stop whale-hunting in Japan.
If only Hayden had been in Australia a few weeks ago she could have stopped another whale being harpooned and hunted in Redfern.

MAKE A KILLING ON GG’S

IT’S not for us to make vague, over-the-top generalisations about large groups of people, but anyone with a stutter is a mass murderer waiting to happen.
Take a look at Gareth Gates (below). You can’t tell us that at some stage in the next few years he’s not going to be covered in gore with a bloody axe in one hand and the head of Will Young in the other.
Well Gareth has taken his first tentative steps on the trail of psychodom this week with the Norman Bates-esque revelation that he married 31-year-old Suzanne Mole because she reminds him of his mum.
“She’s a lot older than me, but I’ve always gone for older women,” said Gu-gu-gu-gareth.
“The last thing I wanted was to be with someone who’s the same age as me and wanted the limelight and the attention.
“She’s like my mum really. I always wanted to be with a woman who has the same mindset and wants to look after me like my mum. My mum’s the most important person in my life.”
Sounds a bit bloody weird to us. Watch your back when you have a shower Suzanne otherwise ‘Unchained Melody’ won’t be the only thing Gareth’s remembered for butchering.

• ARGH! If we read any more trite, inane, pointless crap about Kate ‘fucking’ Winslet, her husband Sam ‘fucking’ Mendes and Leonardo ‘fucking-fuck-face’ DiCaprio we’ll tear our Gordon Ramsay-inspired fucking hair out.
For weeks the gossip press have been obsessed with Kate and Leo’s sex scenes in Revolutionary Road, filmed by Mendes, and just can’t seem to get it into their heads that they’re actors. It’s an act. It’s their job. Naomi Watts didn’t really get aroused by an 18 foot giant gorilla and Heath Ledger never bummed Jake Gyllenhall senseless.
As if to underline their shock at this news, the Winslet-Mendes headline hitting stands this week is ‘We’re Normal’.
Surely that has to be the most boring quote ever uttered by a celebrity, yet the press have still seized on it like it’s the most bizarre thing since Uri Geller asked Michael Jackson if he fancied watching an Exeter City game.
“We do normal things that any other family would,” said Winslet.
“It’s important to us that the children are just regular kids, so we go to the park, kick a ball around, go to a museum, watch a movie together or just hang out at home playing Monopoly.”
Next week, Leo reveals exclusively to British Balls that when he can’t be arsed to cook he just gets a takeaway. Meanwhile Kate tells all on how she brushes her teeth before she goes to bed.