RIHANNA’S KNOCKED BROWN AND OUT

rihanna

THE star-studded Grammy Awards bash proved to be an unexpected hit for Rihanna.
The ‘Umbrella’ singer was punched, choked unconscious and issued with death threats by boyfriend Chris Brown in their car on the morning of the event and the superstar pair, who were due to perform, pulled out. It’s at this point we insert the word ALLEGEDLY in massive fuck off capital letters just to cover our backs.rihanna
Rihanna was later seen with cuts to her face and bite marks on her arm and Brown was arrested the following day after turning himself in.
It’s still unclear what went on, but you’d bet she won’t sing ‘Shut Up And Drive’ the next time he’s behind the wheel.
The bust-up overshadowed the ceremony, which considering Adele was there must have meant a big fucking shadow.
The warbling heffer picked up two awards at the show.

GRAMMY AWARD WINNERS

Album of the Year: ‘Raising Sand’ – Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
Record of the Year: ‘Please Read The Letter’ – Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
Song of the Year: ‘Viva La Vida’ – Coldplay
Best New Artist: Adele
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance: Adele – ‘Chasing Pavements’
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: John Mayer – ‘Say’
Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals: Coldplay – ‘Viva La Vida’
Best Rock Album: Coldplay – ‘Viva La Vida’
Alternative Music Album: ‘In Rainbows’ Radiohead
Best Pop Vocal Album: Duffy – ‘Rockferry’
Best Metal Performance: Metallica – ‘My Apocalypse’
Best Rap Album: Lil Wayne – ‘Tha Carter III’

• APPARENTLY it’s not that ‘fun to stay’ with the Village People these days.
The original camp policeman from the gayest group in the world (just ahead of incestual homosexual outfit The Jonas Brothers) is suing the current incarnation for US$1 million.
Victor Willis wants damages from the owners of the band’s name, claiming his image and voice have been used for promotional purposes.
They certainly have. Cruising, barebacking and felching have never been more popular.

VLAD’S PUTIN ON THE HITS

THE Sun took their lives into their own hands by suggesting that Russian warmonger Vladimir Putin may very well bat for the other side after flying ABBA tribute act Bjorn Again to Moscow for a personal concert.jigsaw
Seeing as he also recently hit the headlines for walking around with no top on with a massive weapon in his hands, maybe they’ve got a point.
The Russian PM (pictured) paid £20,000 for the group to perform last month, although Kremlin officials deny mad Vlad was there. Band founder Rod Stephen said: “You can hardly have a machine gun in your arms with your top off one minute, then turn around and say you like ABBA. I think that’s why they’ve tried to keep it secret.”
In next week’s homosexual dictator news, Boy George, Will Young and Dusty Springfield are released from Guantanamo Bay after three years performing for George Bush.

NOEL’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“There will be a groundswell of public opinion sooner or later which will carry me into office, and let me tell you, I’ll only be there for five years, and it’ll all end in tears, but it’ll be a proper laugh while it’s happening. The first two years would be kind of tough, but the following three would be amazing.
“What I want to know is, where has all the money gone? I’d find out where it is, I’d get it back. I’d have a worldwide search down the back of the couch for shrapnel. Club it all together. It all mounts up.”
Noel on becoming PM and dealing with the credit crunch.

morrisseyUSUALLY we’re all up for pop stars flashing their bits and pieces to promote their music.
Lily Allen got her arse out last week, Katy Perry’s cleavage is on constant display and we saw a very entertaining music video featuring Eve, a dildo and her ex. At least we think it was a music video. The missus was in bed so we had it on mute.But really, does anyone want to see that old Manc misery guts Morrissey with his meat and two veg out?
The singer and his four bandmates are pictured completely naked with their modesty protected only by vinyl records in the artwork for the star’s forthcoming song ‘I’m Throwing My Arms Around Paris.’ Funnily, enough heirhead Hilton will throw her legs around anything with a cock so watch out Mozza.