U2 ALBUM IS PHUNKING CRAP

 

UNLESS you’ve been living under a rock (or in Wales), you’ll have heard climate change scientists across the world in recent weeks saying ‘looks like we were wrong folks, it’s a lot worse than we predicted – we’re all screwed!”

 

Well this story is kind of like that but with music, you just have to swap the words ‘climate change’ with U2.

 

Yes, for anyone who thought Saint Bono and his cheeky Irish minstrels couldn’t get any worse, we’re sad to report that Black Eyed Peas main man Will.I.Am.A.Cock is producing some songs on their new album.

 

Just what the bastard offspring of such an unholy union will spawn doesn’t bare thinking about.

 

“Will I Am is producing on U2’s next album,” blabbed Kanye West of all people on his website.

 

“I’m sure it will be dope as shit judging from the crazy beats he’s done in the past three years.”

 

Just take out the words “dope as” and you’re spot on Kanye.

 

• WHY is it that music journalists in the national press say things like ‘this album will fire them into U2 territory’ as though it’s a good thing.

 

Treading water for ten years and knowing that any old shit you put on the album will still be lapped up the millions who come to watch your world stadium tour is not something to aspire to. Someone should have told Coldplay that five years ago.

 

Now hillbilly rockers Kings of Leon seem to be following suit with the news that latest hit ‘Use Somebody’ was inspired by ballad-tastic ‘Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong’.

 

“The melody just kind of happened. If you slow it down it sounds like, ‘Love lift us up where we belong’,” said Caleb Followill (above), while whittling a shotgun on his rocking chair.

 

“I played that and was mumbling words. Then I started singing, ‘You know that I could use somebody’.

 

“It was written on tour. We were all down and out, fighting with each other, had too many drinks too many nights in a row.

 

“We were lonely and didn’t have anybody. I still don’t know what I’m talking about in the track – whether it’s a relationship or a spiritual higher power.”

 

Sounds like the need for sex with some nameless groupie to us, but maybe that’s just our warped minds.

 

 

 

• IT seems like every other week we start a story with the words ‘poor old Britney Spears’.

 

Well the violins are out again for the world’s hottest mentalist after she was slammed by animal rights group PETA for using elephants in the video for new single Circus.

 

“As Britney is always complaining and crying about how she hates to be held up in her guarded house and can’t feel free, she of all people should be able to relate to the horror that captive animals go through,” said a spokesperson.

 

Fair’s fair though PETA, you can’t have one rule for mad Brit and another for the rest of the pop world. What about the elephant that gets wheeled out for all those Adele videos? By the bloody horrible noise that comes out of its trap it’s clearly in distress.

 

“Britney chooses to perform, and the lifestyle just comes with it. Animals are ripped away from their mothers at a young age, kept in chains, and prodded with electric shock devices to make them perform,” added the spokesperson.

 

Personallly, we’d like nothing better than to see Ms Spears tied up in chains and prodded with devices – as long as the devices in question are 12 inches long and have names like “black mamba” or “the orgasmanator”.