WE’RE not huge fans of The Beatles here at British Balls but when someone asks you ‘who is the greatest song writer of all time?’ there’s only one answer. John Lennon. It’s the law.
So if we weren’t alreadly mildly surprised by the fact that he didn’t come out on top of a recent poll of best ‘British’ songwriters, we were fucking outraged by the man who pipped him to top spot – Gary Barlow.
Not Ray Davies, not not Paul McCartney, not David Bowie, not Morrissey. Gary fucking Barlow.
Forget asylum seekers, the credit crunch and the rise of the BNP, there’s your evidence that Britain has gone to the dogs right there.
That and Celebrity Big Brother.
A spokesman for www.onepoll.com said: “Gary has been responsible for some of the biggest hits of the past decade.”
So have Westlife but they still suck donkey ass.


1: Gary fucking Barlow
2: John Lennon
3: Paul McCartney
4: Chris Martin
5: George Michael
6: Bee Gees
7: Noel Gallagher
8: Robbie Williams
9: Sting
10: Kate Bush

Where the fuck are …
Ray Davies, Pete Townshend, Elton John, Morrissey, Joe Strummer, Elvis Costello, John Lydon, Darius …

• BRIAN Eno continues to bolster his status as a music legend after agreeing to produce the next Coldplay album – but only if Chris Martin pisses off for a couple of weeks.
Eno produced their last effort ‘Viva la Vida Or Death and all his Friends’ and claims it could have been better.
By British Balls reckoning, it couldn’t have been any worse.
“The rest of the band are in the studio. Brian Eno has been producing our music – which is why we’ve got better,” said bedwetting Chris (pictured).
“He wrote to us and said he thought the last album was OK but it could have been better. He said he still wanted to work with us but I was banned from the studio! He said it would be better without me for the first two weeks – ‘You can do better without the singer!'”
All Eno needs to do now is get rid of every other member of the band and his place in rock history will be cemented.


“I SUPPOSE it’s better than somebody getting their head chopped off with a samurai sword while two goblins try to fuck a donkey up the arse with a laser beam.”
Noel gives his thumbs up to the new Guitar Hero game. We think.


FIRST her tits, now her arse. Expect Lily Allen to get her bush out at Glastonbury this year after the annoying attention seeker flashed her rear end during a gig at London’s G.A.Y. club.
The gobshite singer celebrated reaching number one this week by wearing a series of scantily-clad outfits for the show and then lifting up her skirt for a cheeky glimpse.
Still, it had an added benefit for fans who could hear her better as a result.